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Here is some of the better canine humor we've come across. If you have something to share, email us and we will add it to the list with your name. This website is PG, so anything explicit won't be posted.
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself.
-Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your
pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.
How To install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots . A really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in an hour. Don't disturb the Pit Bulls, they've just been wormed."
Gentlemen’s hunting dogs belonging to Bubba, Jimmy Bob and Hooter.
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water
in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
| 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? |
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| 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. |
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| 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! |
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| 4. Rottweiler: Make me |
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| 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. |
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| 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! |
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| 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. |
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| 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. |
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| 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? |
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| 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. |
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| 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb" |
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| 12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? |
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| 13. Australian Cattle Dog : First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... |
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| 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. |
The Cat's Answer:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF! |
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